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Rules of
ILLINOIS
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let ' s get this straight; it ' s called a ' gravel
road. ' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive,
you ' re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle.
That ' s what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.
Don ' t like it? I- 80
goes east and west, I-57 & I-55
go north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We ' re impressed. We have
$250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It ' s called being friendly. Try to
understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are
coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don ' t have
it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat ILLINOIS pork chops & corn on the cob. You
really want sushi & caviar? It ' s available at the corner bait shop.
8. The ' Opener ' refers to the first day of deer season.
It ' s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women,
regardless of age.
10. No, there ' s no ' vegetarian special ' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can
order the Chef ' s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main
dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and
ketchup!!
12. You bring ' coke ' into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over
ice. You bring ' Mary Jane ' into my house, she better be cute, know how to
shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
 
13. College and high school basketball is as important
here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don ' t hit the water
hazards -- it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try the U of I, and the 4 state
universities. They
come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they
still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays. Try Bradley
also!!
16. We have lots of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force,
and Marines, so ' Don ' t Mess with Illinois ' . If you do, you will get whipped
by the best.
ILLINOIS is the greatest state ever!!
If you are from Illinois , you are one bad hombre!!!
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